Dear Abby: My oldest friend stopped contacting me

Dear ABBY: Fifteen years ago, after six years of marriage, my husband and I moved 3,000 miles away from everyone I knew. I was not in favor of the move and I never felt at home in the new city, but I tried to make the best of it. We have struggled financially all along due to the recession and our huge mortgage. I met some nice people but only made one true friend whom I will call “Gayle”.

Three years ago, I convinced my husband that we should move somewhere else so that we could retire and be more financially secure. We compromised, but it’s still far from my old hometown. I have tried hard to stay connected with Gayle. When I approach her, she responds, but usually with only a few sentences and often complaining about her circumstances. She never approaches me, asks about me, and never tries to prolong the conversation.

I know from experience that Gayle is not happy and I worry because I think she may be drinking too much. I’m sad that she doesn’t seem to want to stay connected, but it’s painful to keep lingering and coming back so little. I’m tired of trying but I’m not sure if I should tell her how I feel or just give up. Please advise. –– ALONE AND AWAY FROM HOME

LONELY DEAR: Some relationships are situational. You can’t do all the work to maintain a long distance friendship unless Gayle is willing to put in some effort. All you will get is more disappointment.

You have twice referred in your letter to your original birthplace, but if you were to visit there, you may find that your old friends have moved on in their lives, and the period of life you long for cannot be repeated. That is why it may be time to devote your energy to starting new activities in your new community. From this will come new relationships and maybe new friendships.

Dear ABBY: I have one sister and three younger half-sisters, all of whom I love. Recently, two of my nieces, the daughters of one of my half-sisters, were born within a few months of each other. The two decided to name their babies after their grandparents. One was named after my stepfather, which left me disappointed because I don’t love or respect him. In fact, I hate it.

My stepfather was an alcoholic who bullied my sister and physically abused me when we were growing up. However, he was loving and protective of his daughters, my half-sisters. I don’t believe my nieces are aware of this. My stepfather died before my nieces were born so they never knew him.

I really can’t bear to call the child by his name. I kept this to myself, but my sister noticed that I don’t use the child’s name and confided in me the same feelings. If she noticed, maybe my half-sisters did too.

I don’t want this to end up causing a family rift, but when I hear someone use the name, I literally start shaking. I thought my stepfather was out of my life forever when he died. How should my sister and I deal with this? Can we create our own nickname? Currently, we both refer to the baby simply as “Baby”. – NAME-HATE IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR NAME-HATE: Yes, you certainly can, and you can also tell your half-sisters and nieces why. Beyond that, make an effort to get through this. If you and your sister have not received counseling for the abuse you endured from your late stepfather, it may help.

Dear Abby was written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.