DEAR ABBY: My friend of 30 years passed away two years ago. Her husband, with whom I had a cordial relationship, calls me and his wife’s other friends non-stop. It usually calls out trivial nonsense.
Once, I decided not to answer any of his many calls a day. When I finally relented and responded, he was furious. He demanded to know where I was so I couldn’t answer the phone. I made up a story that I was out of state visiting family. Sometimes, I lie and say dinner is ready, someone is at my door, or I’m about to leave the house.
My initial reaction to his calls was that I’m lucky I’m not that needy and lonely. I manage to end the conversation in three to five minutes and I am never rude. This man is 80 years old, lives alone and has a grown child near his home. My unprofessional opinion is that due to his multiple health issues and inability to drive and really take care of himself, he should probably be on assisted living.
His constant calls are more than I can handle. Should I call his grown child or just not answer most of his calls? I think he might also call his kids and they might be aware of his behavior, but I don’t want to upset them more than they probably are. My friends and I have tried our best to talk to him, but it has gotten to the point where these calls are invasive. – AGED IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR OLD MAN: You would be doing everyone, including yourself, a favor if you made that call to inform this poor man’s grown children of what was going on. Loneliness and isolation after the death of a spouse can cause serious health problems, especially in the elderly. Assisted living may be the solution he needs, not only for physical care, but also for socialization. I’m glad you wrote.
DEAR ABBY: Being the least favorite hurts, yet my mom makes sure to show how much she hates me every chance she gets. Mind you, she would never say that in front of my dad or my sisters. She says standing behind me, rubbing it. My sisters get texts from her telling them how much she misses them. me? I get comments like “I wish you were never born”. I tried so hard to please him, but nothing worked. Sadly, my younger sister is rude and hates me too. Please advise. – UNSEEN IN THE TENSEE
BELOVED UNLOVED: Unfortunately, we cannot choose our parents. Your mother’s behavior is more than a little poisonous, and now it has rubbed off on your little sister. That is why I am suggesting that you see your mother and younger sister as little as possible.
If you must see them, spend as little time as possible with just any of them. Start building relationships with people who are caring and supportive. Many people form “chosen families” when they come from families that are just as dysfunctional as yours.
Dear Abby was written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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