DEAR ABBY: My husband and I were together for 11 years, six of them married. In recent years I had an addiction to alcohol, which made me unfaithful. He never drank, so he had a hard time understanding my addiction problem. After I got the DUI, he finally left me.
Two weeks later, he was already in another relationship! We divorced a year later. I have spent the last 14 months changing my life. I’ve been sober all this time, attended AA meetings, and seen a psychotherapist as well as an addiction therapist. I have been devastated since my husband left. I’ve lost 20 pounds that I didn’t need to lose and I only leave the house to work. I didn’t even have the idea of seeing or talking to another man.
My ex has told me over and over that he wants to try to work things out with me, which I want more than anything. I know I hurt him and he is not the same person anymore. I want to show him that I’m different and we can be happy, but he won’t fully commit to anything and just keeps hurting me. Should I continue to pursue this or try to find a way forward? – NOW LIVES IN VIRGINIA
DEAR NOW ESHTALL: If your sobriety is important to you, you can’t hold on to a person who “keeps hurting you.” (I wish you had mentioned how he does it, but in the end, you have to do what it’s good for you.) Did the way he treated you – or your perception of it – have anything to do with your drinking and infidelity?
You stated that he says he wants to work things out. His outline may stem from the hurt he has experienced because of what you have put him through. If you decide to rekindle your relationship, do so only under certain conditions: He must end the relationship with the person he was involved with if they are still together, attend Al-Anon meetings in order to learn more much for the disease of alcoholism and participate in relationships. counseling sessions with you.
DEAR ABBY: I’m a 64-year-old gay man, originally from the Deep South, living in a major metropolitan area. I have been here for over 30 years. My problem is that I am unable to keep my cool when talking to my elderly parents. I have insisted several times that I do not want to discuss politics, but my request is ignored by my mother especially because she refuses to accept my sexual orientation. She sings the praises of the most anti-gay politicians without regard for my feelings. When I try to gently change the subject, most of the time, she won’t let go.
I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t want to talk to either of my parents anymore. The hurtful things they have said break my heart. Should I follow my gut and wait it out, or keep quiet and bear the hurt? I know they won’t change. – WOUNDED HEART IN SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR WOUNDED HEART: Silence helps no one. As you have discovered, it only leads to more of the same. Tell them that the hurtful things they’ve said are heartbreaking. You’ve already made it clear to your mother that you don’t want to discuss politics. This time, tell them that if they bring up the subject again, it will be the end of the conversation and you will hang up. If they ignore you and do it again, follow up.
Dear Abby was written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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