Dear Abby: I stopped dying my hair and now I find my husband less attractive

Dear ABBY: My husband and I have been together for 16 years and have what I consider to be a happy marriage. My question is about the ongoing conversations we’ve had about my hair color. The first two years we were together, my hair was gray and then I dyed it red. While I know he wanted it, I did it for one reason: I wanted to avoid unnecessary aging in the workplace. My husband knew this.

Two years ago, now retired, I decided to stop coloring my hair. Since then, he keeps mentioning that he wants me to go back to red hair. I have repeatedly told him that I am not willing to do this. He says he loved me so much when I was a redhead (does that mean he loves me less now?) and that my “gray look” has made him feel old.

I’m disappointed and annoyed by his ongoing campaign to dye his hair again, and I’ve said so. He even brings it up in front of our friends, which sounds to me like he’s trying to garner outside support for his argument. I love my gray hair.

It saddens me that my husband finds me less attractive or that my gray hair might be the reason he “feels old,” but I wonder why my choice of hair color carries that burden of responsibility. Isn’t my choice right? I wouldn’t dream of telling her how to wear her hair. Your thoughts? — SILVER GIRL IN NEW YORK

DEAR GIRL: This should not be a power struggle, which it seems to have become. Yes, hair color is your choice and rightfully so. (Would wearing a red wig when your husband is feeling in love be a viable compromise?) If he “feels old” when he sees gray hair, perhaps coloring his hair would make him feel younger.

Dear ABBY: I have worked successfully in the creative arts most of my professional life. My problem? My husband never misses an opportunity to denigrate my work. If I show an unusual inspiration or spark of creativity that I’m proud of, they immediately find fault and say it’s not a good or worthwhile idea. It’s overwhelming! This could destroy our long and happy marriage. It’s painful because I love my husband in every way. I am always respectful and supportive of their professional work. – NO APPRAISAL IN CALIFORNIA

Dear NO RATING: Spouses should support each other. Is your spouse equally successful in their creative and work endeavors? If the answer is no, they may be jealous or threatened by your success. They may also be insensitive to how their comments affect you.

You asked your husband why are they distributing your work? If you did and the answer was unsatisfactory, one way to deal with this might be to tell your spouse that you’d rather they keep their opinions to themselves and not seek validation from now on. .

Dear Abby was written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.